Let’s talk fourth trimester. It’s a term that I never heard of until I had my own children, and it eventually became the most important era during both of my pregnancy and postpartum journeys.

Now, what is it? The fourth trimester is the first three months of a baby’s life as well as the birth parent’s first three months postpartum. While a lot of scholarship I stumbled upon focused on the baby’s experience in the fourth trimester (which is definitely important … babies are said to be born too early, according to Dr. Harvey Karp), I found little that honed in on the birthing parent’s experiences in the fourth trimester. In fact, most articles I read only mentioned the birthing parent at the bottom of the article with a “call your doctor if you need help!” blurb or possible symptoms summarized in three bullets or less. This is just nuts to me (for lack of a better phrase) because as birthing parents, we are the most critical human in our child’s life. Unfortunately, we are often the most overlooked.

After birth (6-8 weeks postpartum), all of the attention shifts from the birthing parent to the health and well-being of the baby. After that 6-week appointment, the birth parent does not hear from their OB office until they go for an annual appointment or have another baby.

I suffered from postpartum preeclampsia with my second (you can read my birth story here), and I am still experiencing side effects from the complications. But, because it is no longer considered an OB issue, I am only able to reach out to my primary care doctor about all concerns moving forward. And we all know how easy it is to see a primary care doctor! As mothers and birthing parents, we are expected of too much with too little when it comes to resources and support.

Now, if you looked up “fourth trimester,” you’d find tips on how essential it is to bond with your baby during this time. You’ll also read advice on how to calm their fussiness, deal with their lack of sleep, and more. But what is lacking from those articles are in-depth details about what YOU, as the birthing parent, will go through as your body, mind, and spirit heal from and adjust to this giant transformation.

They’re not all bad though. Heidi Murkoff’s What to Expect article focuses on the fourth trimester, honing in on what the birthing parent will experience in those three months after birth. Here’s “what to expect”:

• hormonal rollercoasters (quite literally)
• postpartum swelling
• healing (c-section scar or healing perineal area)
• postpartum bleeding (sometimes up to 7-9 weeks or more)
• anxiety, mood swings (which can lead to postpartum depression and anxiety, which goes way beyond 3 months)
• absolutely no sleep, which exacerbates all symptoms above

So, yeah … the fourth trimester is a thing. And just think — all of that is happening while we are working our butts off to keep a little human alive: nursing, pumping, formula feeding, rocking, shushing, driving back and forth to doctor’s appointments (while carrying a car seat we are technically not supposed to be carrying after giving birth), tending to our other children and their needs, household chores … no wonder why those first three months test our resilience. We are also somehow expected to BOUNCE BACK to our “normal” bodies after we spent nine months growing another human, birthing that human, and then using our bodies to keep them alive. And let’s not forget that we are expected — no, required — to return to work while we are still in the fourth trimester or immediately after the fourth trimester ends. We, as birthing parents, never get time to rest and to heal.

All of this to say: If you know someone who has just given birth, check in with them. Ask them if they need help. Show up on their doorstep with bags of groceries. Go visit and do some dishes or throw in a load of laundry for them while they sit on the couch and hold their baby. Hold their baby and let them take a 3-hour nap. Tell them how amazing they are; how strong and powerful they are. Because they need to hear it.